Gone Without a Trace

Posted on 04/22/2007 by chick

A Rhode Island man has been missing since Thursday.

“The last time I spoke to him, he said he was going to take a shower and meet up with me for dinner,” says his fiancée. “When he didn’t make it on time, I wasn’t worried because, well, to be honest, he’s late all the time. It wasn’t until I got home that I started to worry, because he wasn’t there, but his car, phone, and wallet were. He wouldn’t go anywhere without his phone.”

Investigators on the scene say they found nothing unusual except in the bathroom, where they discovered large masses of hair on the shelf in the shower. One detective described them as being “kinda like tribbles, but extra hungry lookin’.”

Family members of the missing man made an impassioned plea to the public. “Please, if you have any information about his whereabouts, call the police immediately. He’s a part of our family and we need him. Who else can we get to fix our computers for free?”

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Do I Dare Speak?

Posted on 04/21/2007 by chick

The media circle above the field of fame, hungrily watching and waiting for a notable to falter. At last! Someone says something stupid, or cruel, or just easily misinterpreted. The media swoop in and grab at the phrase, talons ripping it from context, beaks shredding and chewing until nothing recognizable remains. It is sickening to watch.

The degree to which people are made to pay for their verbal slips is enough to scare one into taking a vow of silence.

Do I dare speak?

I do. And I dare you. In the words of Bill Bryson, echoing the sentiments of Voltaire, “Sir, I may not agree with what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to be a complete asshole.”

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Windy Days

Posted on 04/20/2007 by chick

My sanity is like a hat.

Sometimes I feel it slipping.

Or a wind blows by

And throws it high,

Then down to the ground, flipping.

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Love for One’s Fellow Creatures

Posted on 04/19/2007 by chick

I found a small creature in the bathtub today. The water pouring from the faucet swept the poor little thing from its home atop the drain. I saw it floating in the water and was tempted to leave it there, but though it appeared to be dead, I knew with utter certainty that it would continue to grow. The Bathtub Hairball’s only purpose in life is to clog the plumbing. I had no choice but to remove it.

There has been some debate in certain circles about the best way to handle the Bathtub Hairball once it has been removed from the tub. Outside of the tub, the creature is completely harmless and inert. Some experts advocate relocating the creatures to the shower shelves or the edges of the bathtub. There they may stand safely as a tribute to one’s abundant tresses. Others insist that the creature must be discarded in the trash. However, this attitude must be regarded with some suspicion, as it is common to those who have no Bathtub Hairballs of their own.

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