I deleted part of my post from yesterday, where I expressed my fears about coming down with a cold, because I didn’t want anyone to think I’d have gone out in the world if I actually believed I was sick. I would not. I had and have no reason to believe I’m sick. Excepting that one trip out, I have been home for over three weeks. I have seasonal allergies, and my only sickness at this moment is my overactive imagination.
The last few weeks have been utterly miserable. Like everyone else in the world, I’ve suffered an intense array of negative emotions and mental states: stir-craziness, fear and worry, guilt, frustration, self-pity, grief, indecision, second-guessing, and anger. Especially anger (that effing Donald Trump!). There’s a long, agonizing scream of rage building inside of me.
And that’s the real problem. This level of negativity will not accomplish anything but make me sick. I need to acknowledge the feelings without dwelling on them and take positive steps to counteract them. I’ve got to keep myself busy and try to be productive.
With that in mind, tonight I did some laundry, cleared off the bed in my office, got myself comfortable and watched a sappy movie that made me cry (it was exactly what I needed!). I also played my piano, first a few Chopin pieces, and then some improvisation. I feel much better now.
I’m sorry I haven’t called, but I also have been ragey. The other day I put ear buds in and blasted music into my brain literally as loud as it would go. I had forgotten from the Rudi recovery days that it takes a minimum of 3 songs at high bpms and high volume to break through that level of blind fury. I’m glad you also found some things that can cut through the rage.